What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:06
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I said to her
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We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We all went to grammer schools
My family never makes their pension either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I will be 64.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I write beautiful poetry .
I was seconnd youngest,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Would this be the day?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot live in the past .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What did i know ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im still living with it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was 9 years of age.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So, i spoilt her more .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She married twice! .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it wasn’t much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Put me off passion for life!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So whats the point in blame.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I think the readers, may guess!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I have no regrets .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
(And it was in our own minds.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
She found it foreign!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She wouldn,t have been !
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He resisted the act ,that day.
This is how, and why children get BPD.